On Sportsmanship

Last week I had the good fortune to chill with my newest pal Bri for the better part of a day. Chillin’ with friends is super nice, especially when y’all are fresh enough that you’re still learning a lot about each other. During the course of our Big Damn Hangout™, the subject of games and game nights came up.

I’ve made many new friends and acquaintances through a game night group. Personally I think it’s a great way to get to know people. A little food, a few drinks, some complicated rules that you have to figure out together, sass-talkin’… it’s perfect! Heck, if you know the rules to a game, you can jump right in to it and see how everyone works together when someone knows what to do. Board, card, and co-op games can be great introductions, and when you get to know each other a little better, it’s only natural to move on to role playing games to find out what real jerks you actually are.

But I digress.

Back to Bri. When games came up in conversation, she quoted someone* as saying, “there are two types of people in the world: those who hate Monopoly and those who are the reason other people hate Monopoly,” and at this I had to take pause.

In my game cabinet is a copy of Beatles Monopoly where all the properties are album covers and the pieces are bits of stuff from various songs. I’ve only ever been able to play it once. I played it once and I won. None could even touch me, they lost so bad.

Huh. Shit.

I must be the reason other people hate Monopoly.

It’s weird, that first time you realize you’re the problem. Obviously my negging and grandstanding during Monopoly games is not welcome. Clearly the way I laugh directly into your face when I collect a ridiculous hotel fee after you land on my property isn’t, like, appreciated or whatever. Surely someone would have told me by now that I’m a big ol’ meanie and that’s why we never play Monopoly anymore.

It’s not the length of the game or the content that turns people off of Monopoly but my complete inability to play like a respectable human being who isn’t a big jerky jerk-faced jerk. I’m surprised none of you have flipped the game board over in frustration at the knowledge that you’ll never, ever beat me at Monopoly.

Since I’m physically incapable of changing my maniacal Monopoly-playing ways, I’ve got to come to terms that I’ll never get to play with people I already know ever again.

Well, there’s always Euchre. Thankfully no one has had the forethought to warn others of my many crimes against euchre etiquette… yet.

* You can’t expect me to remember who was attributed when I’m terrible at names, what kind of monster are you?